Actual Newspaper Headlines,
Collected by Journalists
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women+s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn+t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Calculate Your Smartness
How Smart Are You?
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
QUESTIONS
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
QUESTIONS
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
IF
- :IF : -
1. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him, is he still wrong?
2. If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
4. Why can't they use the material from the 'little black box' for the entire plane?
5. Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer if you can't drink and drive?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
9. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
24. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
1. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him, is he still wrong?
2. If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
4. Why can't they use the material from the 'little black box' for the entire plane?
5. Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer if you can't drink and drive?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
9. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
24. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
RULES AT WORK
- : RULES AT WORK : -
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're
going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest
of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride
home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that
person is carrying.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're
going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest
of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride
home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that
person is carrying.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
BEHAVIORAL TIPS.
- : BEHAVIORAL TIPS :-
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask him to purchase feminine products, unless you are willing to assume he will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV, hugging is fine as you can still see around to watch the screen. Kissing is only for timeouts and commercials. Questions also have the best chance of being answered during this time period.
Don't hassle him when you're watching a show and he begins to change channels during the commercial. He knows the exact time the commercials will be over. Also, don't bug him when channel surfing about going back to something you saw, he passed it by for a reason.
If I mention a male friend of mine did something interesting, do not call his wife and ask her about it.
If you don't like the way I'm driving, close your eyes. Please refrain from making that gasping inhalation noise of alarm. I expect to die peacefully in my sleep the way my grandfather did, not screaming like the other people in his car.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed, don't ask me if I'm going to wear something I already have on. I can get dressed for anything in 10 minutes, because I'm getting dressed....not "ready" like you are.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another, that is a no win situation for me because you can't make up your mind. Get 'ready' and I'll be watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I'm done, then you can put it up when you're done. That's only fair.
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask him to purchase feminine products, unless you are willing to assume he will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV, hugging is fine as you can still see around to watch the screen. Kissing is only for timeouts and commercials. Questions also have the best chance of being answered during this time period.
Don't hassle him when you're watching a show and he begins to change channels during the commercial. He knows the exact time the commercials will be over. Also, don't bug him when channel surfing about going back to something you saw, he passed it by for a reason.
If I mention a male friend of mine did something interesting, do not call his wife and ask her about it.
If you don't like the way I'm driving, close your eyes. Please refrain from making that gasping inhalation noise of alarm. I expect to die peacefully in my sleep the way my grandfather did, not screaming like the other people in his car.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed, don't ask me if I'm going to wear something I already have on. I can get dressed for anything in 10 minutes, because I'm getting dressed....not "ready" like you are.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another, that is a no win situation for me because you can't make up your mind. Get 'ready' and I'll be watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I'm done, then you can put it up when you're done. That's only fair.
The difference between men and women:
- :The difference between men and women : -
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed., women seem to deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed., women seem to deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY
-: THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY :-
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one
day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money
we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really
friendly.
34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one
day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money
we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really
friendly.
34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
100 reasons why it's great to be aGirl
-:100 reasons why it's great to be a Girl :-
1. free dinners
2. free lunches
3. free brunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that? (??????)
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil
18. you don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. if you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. if you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. you can sleep your way to the top
23. you can sue for sexual harassment
24. you can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. if you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. if you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. same with tanning beds
28. nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. you could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
30. you can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly
31. if you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. you don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected
35. you never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. you'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
37. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. if the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them
39. if you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them
40. excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-aid store
41. if you don't shave, no one will know
42. you can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. if you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
45. if you want to have sex, you always can
46. if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. you don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in
48. if you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them
49. you can dress yourself
50. your hair is yours to keep
51. if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
52. once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. you don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. you never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening then door for them
55. when necessary, you can live without sex
56. you can always get a ride hitchhiking
57. you don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. you don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. you'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
61. if you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot
62. you don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss
63. you're rarely compelled to scream at the TV
64. if you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave
65. you'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. you never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. you don't have a scar right under your chin
68. you and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings
69. if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. if you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. you can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth
75. when you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. if you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. you have never had a goatee
79. gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. you'll never regret piercing your ears
81. you can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. you'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. when you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
84. you know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. it doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. you don't have hair on your back
87. your doctor never has to put on a rubber glove
88. when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. if anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
90. you can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. if someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. it's okay if you can't drive a stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. you get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
96. you can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
97. you can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer
98. you've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. you bond easily
100. when you become President, you'll be the first woman ever
1. free dinners
2. free lunches
3. free brunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that? (??????)
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil
18. you don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. if you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. if you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. you can sleep your way to the top
23. you can sue for sexual harassment
24. you can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. if you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. if you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. same with tanning beds
28. nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. you could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
30. you can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly
31. if you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. you don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected
35. you never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. you'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
37. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. if the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them
39. if you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them
40. excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-aid store
41. if you don't shave, no one will know
42. you can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. if you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
45. if you want to have sex, you always can
46. if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. you don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in
48. if you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them
49. you can dress yourself
50. your hair is yours to keep
51. if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
52. once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. you don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. you never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening then door for them
55. when necessary, you can live without sex
56. you can always get a ride hitchhiking
57. you don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. you don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. you'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
61. if you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot
62. you don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss
63. you're rarely compelled to scream at the TV
64. if you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave
65. you'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. you never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. you don't have a scar right under your chin
68. you and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings
69. if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. if you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. you can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth
75. when you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. if you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. you have never had a goatee
79. gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. you'll never regret piercing your ears
81. you can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. you'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. when you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
84. you know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. it doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. you don't have hair on your back
87. your doctor never has to put on a rubber glove
88. when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. if anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
90. you can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. if someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. it's okay if you can't drive a stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. you get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
96. you can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
97. you can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer
98. you've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. you bond easily
100. when you become President, you'll be the first woman ever
How to make us Women happy...
How to make us Women happy...
What do you think ladies? Is this about right?
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. You've probably been playing and losing at this game for some time, without any understanding why. Now that you have the scorecard, you may fare better.
- : Simple Duties :-
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car...........................................................+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station......-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb........................................+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away..................................-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish....................................................+1
You leave dishes in the sink.................................................................................-1
You leave them under the bed...............................................................................-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...............................+5
But return with beer..........................................................................................-5
You leave the toilet seat up..................................................................................-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..........................................................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..............................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.................................-2
You make the bed............................................................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..............................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............................................................-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.........................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....................................................+5
You pummel it with a six iron..............................................................................+10
It's her father..................................................................................................-10
- : Social Engagements :-
You stay by her side the entire party.......................................................................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.................-2
Named Tiffany...............................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................................................................-6
Tiffany has implants.........................................................................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump............-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive,
you say,"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"..................................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".............................................................-6
That woman is her sister....................................................................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it............................................................................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle........................................-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted......................................-18
- : Saturday Afternoon : -
You go to the mall together..................................................................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.....................................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it........................................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional......................................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.................................................+3
Most of it chips and beer...............................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...........................................+15
Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
Or adding a second floor...............................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket........................................-6
And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
You visit her parents...................................+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television.........................................-3
And the television is off...............................-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear..........................................-6
And you didn't even go to that college.................-10
And it's not your underwear............................-15
-: Her Birthday:-
You take her out to dinner...............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......................................+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.........................+4
And you stink...........................................+2
And you're not half bad.................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause......................-2
You give her a gift......................................0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months........................................+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.....................................-10
With her credit card...................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40
-: Thoughtfulness :-
You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
You forget your anniversary............................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50
-: A Night Out With The Boys :-
Go out with a pal.......................................-5
And the pal is happily married..........................-4
Or frighteningly single.................................-7
And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers....................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.............................-12
You get home at 3 am...................................-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars.........-30
And not wearing any pants..............................-40
Is that a tattoo???...................................-200
- : Her Night Out : -
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends...........+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late................+10
You wait up............................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed......................+20
- : A Night At Home : -
You watch TV together....................................0
You rent a movie........................................+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2
- : A Night Out : -
You take her to a movie.................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)............+6
You take her to a movie you like........................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs.............-15
*Flowers*
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it..............+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.............+10
And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25
-:Your Physique :-
You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-5
-:Finances :-
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
Something she can't use................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces..............................-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.............-120
-:Driving:-
You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost..........-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.......-60
-:The Big Question:-
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-25
- : Communication: -
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.........................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.................................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10
What do you think ladies? Is this about right?
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. You've probably been playing and losing at this game for some time, without any understanding why. Now that you have the scorecard, you may fare better.
- : Simple Duties :-
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car...........................................................+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station......-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb........................................+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away..................................-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish....................................................+1
You leave dishes in the sink.................................................................................-1
You leave them under the bed...............................................................................-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...............................+5
But return with beer..........................................................................................-5
You leave the toilet seat up..................................................................................-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..........................................................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..............................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.................................-2
You make the bed............................................................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..............................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............................................................-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.........................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....................................................+5
You pummel it with a six iron..............................................................................+10
It's her father..................................................................................................-10
- : Social Engagements :-
You stay by her side the entire party.......................................................................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.................-2
Named Tiffany...............................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................................................................-6
Tiffany has implants.........................................................................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump............-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive,
you say,"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"..................................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".............................................................-6
That woman is her sister....................................................................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it............................................................................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle........................................-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted......................................-18
- : Saturday Afternoon : -
You go to the mall together..................................................................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.....................................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it........................................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional......................................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.................................................+3
Most of it chips and beer...............................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...........................................+15
Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
Or adding a second floor...............................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket........................................-6
And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
You visit her parents...................................+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television.........................................-3
And the television is off...............................-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear..........................................-6
And you didn't even go to that college.................-10
And it's not your underwear............................-15
-: Her Birthday:-
You take her out to dinner...............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......................................+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.........................+4
And you stink...........................................+2
And you're not half bad.................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause......................-2
You give her a gift......................................0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months........................................+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.....................................-10
With her credit card...................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40
-: Thoughtfulness :-
You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
You forget your anniversary............................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50
-: A Night Out With The Boys :-
Go out with a pal.......................................-5
And the pal is happily married..........................-4
Or frighteningly single.................................-7
And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers....................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.............................-12
You get home at 3 am...................................-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars.........-30
And not wearing any pants..............................-40
Is that a tattoo???...................................-200
- : Her Night Out : -
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends...........+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late................+10
You wait up............................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed......................+20
- : A Night At Home : -
You watch TV together....................................0
You rent a movie........................................+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2
- : A Night Out : -
You take her to a movie.................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)............+6
You take her to a movie you like........................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs.............-15
*Flowers*
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it..............+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.............+10
And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25
-:Your Physique :-
You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-5
-:Finances :-
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
Something she can't use................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces..............................-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.............-120
-:Driving:-
You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost..........-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.......-60
-:The Big Question:-
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-25
- : Communication: -
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.........................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.................................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10
Hindi SMS
Boy asks: Tute hue dil se pyar karogi, ya dil tutne tak pyar karogi.
Girl replies: Tute hue sandal se pitoge ya sandal ke tutne tk pitoge..
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
aj ki taza khabar 10 ko bewkoof banaya. . .
plz press down 4 details. . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ab ki taza khabar 11 ko bewkoof banaya...
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Boy to girl"Yaar aag kaal shahre sa texiya katam hoo gayee hay"
She reply " kiya kare bai Riksha jo chalne shoroo hoo gaye hay"
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Boy to girl in romantic mood"Mug sa Shadi karoo gi?"
She reply "dakhee thi achi film hay"
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
What did shivaji say to bruce lee when he met him?
" tu karate main marathe".
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Ek jungle mein chuhay se sab dartey the,
agar sher us k samnay aa jata to dar kar bhaag jaata,
haathi bhi kahin chup jata,
aas paas k log yeh dekh kar preshaan huay or kaha aakhir kia maajra hai,
pata chala chuha MQM mein tha
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
EK UNPARE(ILLETERATE) CONDUCTER SE: GAREE MAI JAGA HAI. COND: HA EK ADMEE KEE. SAWAREE: LEKEN MERE PASS DO LADIES B HAI.
COND: TUM BETOO MAI LADIES KO OPPER BAND LOANGA
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
Child: Mom is bar saray patakhay hum is shop say lain gay,
Mom: Beta yeh tu girls hostel hai,
Child: Papa tu kahtay hain k sari phuljhariyan yahin rahti hain.
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Devdas says to Paro: aik sham mera naam ker do.
Paro : ja ja main kahan or tu kahan.
Devdas:itna garoor tu CHAND ko bhi nahin hai.
Paro:kase hota CHAND per dagh jo hain.
Devdas called his son(CHAND):Tu aaj phir nahi nahea... .
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
a child had never seen his hips once his teacher beat with ruler n his hips...he was very angry he came bacand saw his hips in the mirror n said:
(KAMEENE NE DO TUKREY KAR DIYe)
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Wife- i will die.
Husband- i will also die.
Wife- Why do you want 2 die?
Husband- bcoz ma itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta!
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Do khoosrey kahin jaa rahey they unn mien se ek neechey gir gya tu dusri ne usey uthatey huey kaha UTHO BEHAN MARD BANO..
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Rizwan: Doctor please help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Rizwan: Phone per.
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
aik adimi ne apni wife ko khat likha"is mahene salary k badley 100 kiss bhej raha hoon.wife ne jawab diya "app ki salray k badley 100 kiss miley,hisaab bhej rahi hoon.1.doodh wala 2 kiss mea maan giya 2.teacher ko 7 kiss deni pari,3.sabzi wala 7 kiss mea nahi maana isliye 9 deni pari.4makaan malik to rooz 6-7 kiss le jata hay.app fiker nahi kerna,mere pass abhi lag bhag 30,40 kiss or hain.MAHINA ARAM SE KAT JAEY GA
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
HUM NY 1 TEETAR PAKRA AUR PINGRAY MAIN BAND KIA TO WOH PICHY SE NIKAL GAYA.
PHIR PAKRA TO WOH PICHY SE NIKAL
GUSSA AYA PAKRA KATA AUR KAHAYA TO WOH PHIR PICHY SE NIKAL GAYA
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
Ramlal, Bagwan say: Bahgwan mujhy dukh de, dard de, tension de, mujay pagal banady mery pachey kutty laga de.Bahgwan bat kat ker aby sale ek line mein kiyon nahee bolta tuj ko biwi chaie.
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
A 60 years old bachelor advertises his Zaoorat-e-rishta
after a month he got a letter
"mian sahib" iss umar mein RISHTA nahi FARISHTAY aata hein.
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Teacher:Bachon wada kro kabhi sharab,cigrette nahi piyo ge
Bachey:Nahi piyenge
Teacher:Girls ka peecha nai karoge
Bachey:Nahi karenge
Teacher:Unn par awaaze nai kaso ge
Bachey: nahi kasenge
Teacher:Watan par zindigi qurbaan karo ge
Bachey:Kardenge,aesi zindigi ka karna bhi kya hai..
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Aik aadmi jungle se guzar raha tha
A Churail stops him & says:
Hoo Hoo Haa Ha Ha, mai Churail hoon,
Aadmi:janta hoon, teri 1 behan mere ghar main hai.
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
Ek Sharabi Nashe men Tun hokar jarha tha to peche se ek Tange wala Aya, us ne kaha, hat jao hat jao, Sharabi hat gaya or side per ek ghar k darwazey k sahare khara hogaya, wahan us ko neend aa gae. subha ghar k malik ne darwaza khola to sharabi neche gir gaya, aor chilatey howey bola, yar itna to side deya tha, phir bhee takar mar di.
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
Pars Chori Honey k Baad Larki Ka Reaction
Gareeb Larki : O Mere Pesay
Ameer Larki : O Mera Credit Card
Khubsurat Larki : O Shit Os Mein To Mere Boyfriend Ki Tasveer Thi.
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
1 INDIAN FUJI APNI MAAN KO 1965 KAY JANG KI GOLA BARI KAY BARAY MAIN BATA RAHA THA TU US KI MAAN BOLI BETA TUM BHAG KAR DARAKHT (TREE) PAR CHAR JATAY TU FUJI BOLA AMAAN DARAKHT PEHLAY HI OFFICERS KAY LEAY KAM PAR GAEE THAY
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
AIK POLICE INSPECTER APNI BARAT WALI CAR MAIN BETHA LARKI WALOON KI TARAF JARAHA THA PECHAY BARATIAN KI BUS ARAHEE THE .................... POLICE INSPECTER NAY APNAY SATHI KO CALL KAR KAY KAHA KAY AIK BUS HUMARA BARI DAIR SAY PECHA KAR RAHEE HAY ISAY ROOK KAY CHECK KAROO
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
2 indian fuji aik dosray kay sath fight kar rahay thay tu acha officer nay dekh lia aur ya kah kar un ka cot marshal kar dia kay humay larnay walay fuji nahi chaheay
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Two boys ko 3 live Bomb milte hai… Wo un bombs ko police ko dene Jate hai……..
(raste mein… )
First boy: agar koi bomb raste mehi phat jaye to???
Second boy: jhoot bol denge ke 2 hi mile the .
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
KBC ME SHARUKH NE MUJH SE PUCHA.’WORLD KA SABSE BADA ULLU KON HAI? MENE 1 CRORE RS. THUKRA DIYE, LEKIN TERA NAAM NAHI BATAYA!
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
hamara chand hamare hi hantho kho gaya ……..
ab to naa hame uski yaad hai………….
naa woh hame yaad karta hai…………..
ab woh hamara nahi kisi aur ka ho gaya ………
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
arey ashman me ud rahahe
to idhar kya dhund rahe ho ashmanme dekhona
ullu………..
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
gita me likha hai
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are yaha nahi gita me likha hai
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
Ajeet: Raabutt, use TNT se uda do !
Robert: Lekin Boss, TNT kyon, dynamite kyon nahin ?
Ajeet: Bevokoof, is-se yeh NTT se nan-NTT ban jayega
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
Boss: Raabert!
Robert: Yes, Boss
Boss: Yeh “bus” mein kuch hawa daal do.
Robert: Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss: Yeh bus “Airbus” ban jayegi
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Iska kya kare Boss?
AJIT: Robert is ko liquid oxygen may daal do ! Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
AJIT: Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumna band kar do,
Mona: Lekin kyon Boss?
AJIT: Bahut MonaToni ho jayegee…
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
AJIT: “Robert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao”
“Kyon boss?”
“Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai”
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Maikal: Boss, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen ?
Ajit: Ise revaalving chair mein daal do.Pata chal jaayega chakkar kya hai.
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Boss , Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
AJIT: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert !!
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
(Scene - Robert gets a sidey to Ajit.)
Robert: Boss, humne sidey ko pakad liya
AJIT: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan par ek sui chubha do.
Robert: Par sui kyon, boss!
AJIT: Bewakoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Boss, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
AJIT: Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal,
aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu.
Robert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon?
AJIT: Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
(Scene - Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling’s typing.)
AJIT: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Robert: Magar kyoon boss ?
AJIT: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
paida huye?
Boy: Indian govt says "I.S.I is fully involved in dis tragedy".Kehti hai"I.S.I na banti Gandhi jee ka janm na hota"
By: neha
Ankho se kyun anshu jhalak jate hai, hamare tahaiyo main kyun gam yaad ate hai, ashu poch kar koi ye to bata de , rulane wala hi aksar kyun hame yaad ate hai ? ILVU
By Suk
woh mile humko kahani bankar, dil main bas gaye dostiki nisani bankar, hum jinhe jagha dete hai ankho k andar, woh aksar nikal jate hai anshu bankar !!!!
Girl replies: Tute hue sandal se pitoge ya sandal ke tutne tk pitoge..
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
aj ki taza khabar 10 ko bewkoof banaya. . .
plz press down 4 details. . ..
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Ab ki taza khabar 11 ko bewkoof banaya...
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Boy to girl"Yaar aag kaal shahre sa texiya katam hoo gayee hay"
She reply " kiya kare bai Riksha jo chalne shoroo hoo gaye hay"
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Boy to girl in romantic mood"Mug sa Shadi karoo gi?"
She reply "dakhee thi achi film hay"
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
What did shivaji say to bruce lee when he met him?
" tu karate main marathe".
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Ek jungle mein chuhay se sab dartey the,
agar sher us k samnay aa jata to dar kar bhaag jaata,
haathi bhi kahin chup jata,
aas paas k log yeh dekh kar preshaan huay or kaha aakhir kia maajra hai,
pata chala chuha MQM mein tha
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
EK UNPARE(ILLETERATE) CONDUCTER SE: GAREE MAI JAGA HAI. COND: HA EK ADMEE KEE. SAWAREE: LEKEN MERE PASS DO LADIES B HAI.
COND: TUM BETOO MAI LADIES KO OPPER BAND LOANGA
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
Child: Mom is bar saray patakhay hum is shop say lain gay,
Mom: Beta yeh tu girls hostel hai,
Child: Papa tu kahtay hain k sari phuljhariyan yahin rahti hain.
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Devdas says to Paro: aik sham mera naam ker do.
Paro : ja ja main kahan or tu kahan.
Devdas:itna garoor tu CHAND ko bhi nahin hai.
Paro:kase hota CHAND per dagh jo hain.
Devdas called his son(CHAND):Tu aaj phir nahi nahea... .
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
a child had never seen his hips once his teacher beat with ruler n his hips...he was very angry he came bacand saw his hips in the mirror n said:
(KAMEENE NE DO TUKREY KAR DIYe)
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Wife- i will die.
Husband- i will also die.
Wife- Why do you want 2 die?
Husband- bcoz ma itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta!
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Do khoosrey kahin jaa rahey they unn mien se ek neechey gir gya tu dusri ne usey uthatey huey kaha UTHO BEHAN MARD BANO..
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
Rizwan: Doctor please help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Rizwan: Phone per.
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
aik adimi ne apni wife ko khat likha"is mahene salary k badley 100 kiss bhej raha hoon.wife ne jawab diya "app ki salray k badley 100 kiss miley,hisaab bhej rahi hoon.1.doodh wala 2 kiss mea maan giya 2.teacher ko 7 kiss deni pari,3.sabzi wala 7 kiss mea nahi maana isliye 9 deni pari.4makaan malik to rooz 6-7 kiss le jata hay.app fiker nahi kerna,mere pass abhi lag bhag 30,40 kiss or hain.MAHINA ARAM SE KAT JAEY GA
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
HUM NY 1 TEETAR PAKRA AUR PINGRAY MAIN BAND KIA TO WOH PICHY SE NIKAL GAYA.
PHIR PAKRA TO WOH PICHY SE NIKAL
GUSSA AYA PAKRA KATA AUR KAHAYA TO WOH PHIR PICHY SE NIKAL GAYA
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
Ramlal, Bagwan say: Bahgwan mujhy dukh de, dard de, tension de, mujay pagal banady mery pachey kutty laga de.Bahgwan bat kat ker aby sale ek line mein kiyon nahee bolta tuj ko biwi chaie.
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
A 60 years old bachelor advertises his Zaoorat-e-rishta
after a month he got a letter
"mian sahib" iss umar mein RISHTA nahi FARISHTAY aata hein.
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Teacher:Bachon wada kro kabhi sharab,cigrette nahi piyo ge
Bachey:Nahi piyenge
Teacher:Girls ka peecha nai karoge
Bachey:Nahi karenge
Teacher:Unn par awaaze nai kaso ge
Bachey: nahi kasenge
Teacher:Watan par zindigi qurbaan karo ge
Bachey:Kardenge,aesi zindigi ka karna bhi kya hai..
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Aik aadmi jungle se guzar raha tha
A Churail stops him & says:
Hoo Hoo Haa Ha Ha, mai Churail hoon,
Aadmi:janta hoon, teri 1 behan mere ghar main hai.
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
Ek Sharabi Nashe men Tun hokar jarha tha to peche se ek Tange wala Aya, us ne kaha, hat jao hat jao, Sharabi hat gaya or side per ek ghar k darwazey k sahare khara hogaya, wahan us ko neend aa gae. subha ghar k malik ne darwaza khola to sharabi neche gir gaya, aor chilatey howey bola, yar itna to side deya tha, phir bhee takar mar di.
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
Pars Chori Honey k Baad Larki Ka Reaction
Gareeb Larki : O Mere Pesay
Ameer Larki : O Mera Credit Card
Khubsurat Larki : O Shit Os Mein To Mere Boyfriend Ki Tasveer Thi.
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
1 INDIAN FUJI APNI MAAN KO 1965 KAY JANG KI GOLA BARI KAY BARAY MAIN BATA RAHA THA TU US KI MAAN BOLI BETA TUM BHAG KAR DARAKHT (TREE) PAR CHAR JATAY TU FUJI BOLA AMAAN DARAKHT PEHLAY HI OFFICERS KAY LEAY KAM PAR GAEE THAY
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
AIK POLICE INSPECTER APNI BARAT WALI CAR MAIN BETHA LARKI WALOON KI TARAF JARAHA THA PECHAY BARATIAN KI BUS ARAHEE THE .................... POLICE INSPECTER NAY APNAY SATHI KO CALL KAR KAY KAHA KAY AIK BUS HUMARA BARI DAIR SAY PECHA KAR RAHEE HAY ISAY ROOK KAY CHECK KAROO
By: rohit
In Hindi Jokes
2 indian fuji aik dosray kay sath fight kar rahay thay tu acha officer nay dekh lia aur ya kah kar un ka cot marshal kar dia kay humay larnay walay fuji nahi chaheay
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
Two boys ko 3 live Bomb milte hai… Wo un bombs ko police ko dene Jate hai……..
(raste mein… )
First boy: agar koi bomb raste mehi phat jaye to???
Second boy: jhoot bol denge ke 2 hi mile the .
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
KBC ME SHARUKH NE MUJH SE PUCHA.’WORLD KA SABSE BADA ULLU KON HAI? MENE 1 CRORE RS. THUKRA DIYE, LEKIN TERA NAAM NAHI BATAYA!
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
hamara chand hamare hi hantho kho gaya ……..
ab to naa hame uski yaad hai………….
naa woh hame yaad karta hai…………..
ab woh hamara nahi kisi aur ka ho gaya ………
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
Asmanme panchi ud raha he furrrrr furrrrr
arey ashman me ud rahahe
to idhar kya dhund rahe ho ashmanme dekhona
ullu………..
By: akshya
In Hindi Jokes
gita me likha hai
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
are yaha nahi gita me likha hai
By: shalini
In Hindi Jokes
Ajeet: Raabutt, use TNT se uda do !
Robert: Lekin Boss, TNT kyon, dynamite kyon nahin ?
Ajeet: Bevokoof, is-se yeh NTT se nan-NTT ban jayega
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
Boss: Raabert!
Robert: Yes, Boss
Boss: Yeh “bus” mein kuch hawa daal do.
Robert: Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss: Yeh bus “Airbus” ban jayegi
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Iska kya kare Boss?
AJIT: Robert is ko liquid oxygen may daal do ! Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!
By: nick
In Hindi Jokes
AJIT: Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumna band kar do,
Mona: Lekin kyon Boss?
AJIT: Bahut MonaToni ho jayegee…
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
AJIT: “Robert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao”
“Kyon boss?”
“Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai”
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
Maikal: Boss, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen ?
Ajit: Ise revaalving chair mein daal do.Pata chal jaayega chakkar kya hai.
By: indu
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Boss , Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
AJIT: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert !!
By: rahul
In Hindi Jokes
(Scene - Robert gets a sidey to Ajit.)
Robert: Boss, humne sidey ko pakad liya
AJIT: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan par ek sui chubha do.
Robert: Par sui kyon, boss!
AJIT: Bewakoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!
By: neha
In Hindi Jokes
Robert: Boss, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
AJIT: Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal,
aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu.
Robert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon?
AJIT: Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!
By: mohit
In Hindi Jokes
(Scene - Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling’s typing.)
AJIT: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Robert: Magar kyoon boss ?
AJIT: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
By: komal
In Hindi Jokes
paida huye?
Boy: Indian govt says "I.S.I is fully involved in dis tragedy".Kehti hai"I.S.I na banti Gandhi jee ka janm na hota"
By: neha
Ankho se kyun anshu jhalak jate hai, hamare tahaiyo main kyun gam yaad ate hai, ashu poch kar koi ye to bata de , rulane wala hi aksar kyun hame yaad ate hai ? ILVU
By Suk
woh mile humko kahani bankar, dil main bas gaye dostiki nisani bankar, hum jinhe jagha dete hai ankho k andar, woh aksar nikal jate hai anshu bankar !!!!
100 reasons it's great to be a guy:
- : 100 reasons it's great to be a guy : -
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must
be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in15 tries, at least
in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends "you've
changed".
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the
room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must
be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in15 tries, at least
in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends "you've
changed".
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the
room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
These are actual bumper stickers
These are actual bumper stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
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